Wow, what a week this has been. . .it wasn’t until receiving a call from the boss last Friday that I realized the election was this close. OMG, it’s like right on top of us, where has the time gone? I don’t think I’ll even have time to raid that last dungeon like I was planning. . .and my mage is so close to leveling up too. Just a [moderated] shame.
And I have to tell you in confidence, Big Mike was worried. What with Dan Bambino’s endorsement of Bob Wick-Wick (someone I once considered my friend) against me, things are looking shaky. . .if I don’t have the support of C4L(Campaign for Lunacy), who’s on my side?
Two weeks to go, maybe I should consider reaching out to the Patriots. Sure, I don’t like them, but they don’t know that. . .do they? Maybe that Caudell [moderated] does–I still remember the time she tried to break into my house and the threatening Post-It note she left behind when she realized she couldn’t get in.
All that being said, I’ve been running internal poles for my campaign ever since talking to Big Mike and so far they’re coming back with me sweeping 100% of likely voters. I KNEW I could count on Mom and Dad to come through for me!
Tomorrow, I intend to continue poling and speak with my treasurer. . .that’s iffy.
So remember, my friends and supporters, on June 25th, get out and VOTE DONE!
It’s been a long time since I’ve made a post here on my blog–over a year, actually. I know that this blog has been a primary source of local political insight for many responsible citizens, and I apologize for the absence, but it’s been a really long year and sometimes I just couldn’t bring myself to post.
A long, lonely year in which the beautiful Diana and I have stood alone against the flood tide of corruption coming out of the [moderated]-ing Moore administration. (Moore? More corruption, more special favors for big businessmen like Robert “The Scumbag” Hodge, more things that people just don’t understand, more. . .did I mention corruption already?).
I’ve lost track of the times I’ve cried myself to sleep and Mom has had to come in and soothe me. But this is what I have done to stand in the Gap between Cecil County citizens and those capitalist special interests that seek to control our lives. This is what I have sacrificed. . .for you. And Big Mike. But particularly you.
And that brings me to my reason for writing this blog post, as I now run four another for-year term as your county counselor. It occurred to me, after being thrown under the bus by the good ol’ boy network calling itself the Republican Club, that I might need to explain to you better the reasons why you shud vote for me.
#1. You need a county counselor who will stand in the Gap for you. (“Stand in the Gap”, that’s a phrase I got from Big Mike. I really don’t understand it, because Gap doesn’t sell anything that Big Mike or I can fit into. . .but it sounds really cool.)
#2. Diana needs a friend. (And you should vote for her two). If I’m voted out, she won’t have any friends left. . .and you know why? Because she’s hot and they’re jealous. Particularly that venom-spitting Caudell [moderated].
#3. I need a job. I mean honestly, folks. . .they don’t let you play World of Warcraft 4 free. And there’s still some of the debt I owe those Russian fellas from back in my days of on-line Texas Hold ‘Em tournaments.
Big Mike has offered me back my old job as legislative aide if I lose, but I dunno–I’m in my thirties, a little old for all of that [moderated].
Bottom line, my fellow Cecil Countians. . .can I please, please, please have your votes? Because if you don’t re-elect me, I have no idea what I’ll do with my life.
Cecil County Counselor Mike Done
Wow, this has been an exciting last couple weeks. Not just in Mists of Pandaria, where I have FINALLY managed to level up my wizard, but in real life. A couple weeks ago, after a real cool session of WoW, I heard that Delegate Rudolph was co-sponsoring legislation in Annapolis to take all of our guns. And it scared the [bleep] out me. As if it isn’t bad enough that Queen Tari is in Las Vegas taking advanced SWAT training so that she can personally lead her goons down your street, now we’ve got this.
(I knew that Rudolph was a dirtbag, we’d have been so much better off if Paterson had taken his seat following his charismatic campaign of 2010. Of course, Teddy’s got a really cool job at University of Delaware, so maybe it’s all for the best.)
Anyway, as I mentioned at the meeting this morning, I was thrilled when I heard that C4L(Council for Lunacy) was organizing a massive rally to stop “Rudolph’s gun grab”, and best of all–it was right in Rising Sun. Walking distance. . .I didn’t even need to ask Mom if I could borrow the car!
When I got there, I was like OMG, this so [bleep]ing cool. There were literally thousands of people there, from all walks of life(and some who had driven). C4L gave me a sign to hold that said, “MOLON LABE” on it and I got to wave that when Matt Givens came by to take my picture. I just kept chanting that under my breath, “Molon labe!” and when I got home that night I watched 300.
And we stopped him–Rudolph backed right down and sent out a scared e-mail stating that he had never had any intention of backing gun control. Yeah right, coward. It did seem strange–when I looked at the date on the e-mail, it claimed that it was sent several days prior to the rally. . .I’m like, wassup with that? Google [bleep]ing up again?
It is my considerable honor to have sat down for an interview with C4L leader Robert Wick-Wick a few days ago, and I’ve produced the transcript below.
Mike Done: “A pleasure for you to meet me, Bob. Do you mind if I record this? If I say anything really profound, I want to be able to write it down exactly the way I said it.”
Robert Wick-Wick: “Likewise.”
MD: “Thanks. I love these little pocket recorders, they are so cool. I first encountered one during my 2010 campaign, and they’re just great. So, anyway, you were the driving force behind the massive pro-2nd Amendment rally in Rising Sun a week and a half ago. How many people would you estimate were there, Bob?”
RWW: “Millions. Easily. All of us unified and speaking as one voice. There were a couple neocons that wanted to say something slightly different, but we were able to shout them down readily enough until Trope and I threw them out. It was a day for freedom, Mike. A [bleep]ing glorious day.”
MD: “Oh, it was. And I particularly liked the interview you did with the Whig. That was important–the distinction you made about not owning any of those hideous ‘assault weapons’.”
RWW: “It was, Mike. It’s very important not to be perceived in the media as standing with the crazies. Those things give me the creeps–they’re weapons of war, and there’s no wonder why neocons love them so much. They’re even painted black to remind everyone of the oil we’ve stolen from countries in the Middle East.”
MD: “You’re right, when the real threat is here. Right here in this very county. I don’t call her Queen Tari for nothing. Did you hear the latest?”
RWW: “What latest?”
MD: “Her husband Steve has been driving around to all the Walmarts, buying up their supply of BBs. Now, I’ve got a bunch already. . .but most people are going to be defenseless, Bob. Defenseless!”
RWW: “Why do you think she insisted on submitting a tier map to the State?”
MD: “What can I say, your logic is irrefutable, Bob. I wish I had been smart enough to make that correlation.”
RWW: “That’s not important, Mike. You were smart enough to vote against it, and that’s all that matters. And that’s why C4L considers you to be our strongest ally in Cecil as we make our last stand against the neocons. In lunacy, brother.”
Just hearing those words of praise makes me feel all giddy inside. I’m going to go out back and shoot Pepsi cans with my BB gun, preparing for the Relovution. Tonight we dine in hell, baby!
It just never [bleep]ing stops! There’s people(mostly those [moderated] Patriots) making fun of my absence from the meeting on Robert’s Rules of Order. I mean, why the [moderated] would they think I would attend? Robert has made enough rules already!
And I’ll be [moderated] if I was going to sit there for a couple hours and listen to Robert sit there and outline more rules for us to follow. Not when I could be playing WoW.
Diana filled me in when it was all over, and it sounded like it was awful. She was in tears–turns out that Robert has made a new rule that she has to address him by his title. . .like he was some sort of monarch. I guess it kinda fits, what with Queen Tari and all.
Worse yet, if there’s a rule she doesn’t like, she has to get a majority of the council to agree with her that it’s wrong before she can change it–even when it’s clear that it is wrong. Now, how can any reasonable person expect her to do that?!? HOW, when Queen Tari has stacked the council? If something is wrong, even one person should be able to change it. What are we, some sort of democracy?
Since my last post, I’ve gotten some nasty comments on this blog–from cowards who are afraid to even use their real names. It is clear that either these are stooges for Hodge and Tari, or people in this county simply don’t understand the danger we’re facing.
For those low-information voters who fall into the latter category, please read the following expose conducted by the Maryland C4L(Council for Lunacy): The Truth About Tari Moore.
Mike Done, Cecil County Councillor
With the nomination of Moore crony Joyce “Foxy” Bowlsbey to the council this morning, we have just witnessed the final step in Cecil County’s painful slide toward tyranny. Bowlsbey’s ties to the pro-business good ol’ boy network run deep and it is even rumored that she is allied with La Cosa Nostra, an assertion proved by her friendship with mob consigliere Mario Gangemi. It is, as my friend Big Mike said, “this is the most offensive act I’ve ever seen of a government official.” And let me tell you, he’s an expert.
It is a sad day, unspeakable beyond words. This is how it begins, my friends. How many dictators have been elected by a duped populace–just like Tari “The Airhead” Moore? And those liberties, once lost, are never regained. Do you think it can’t happen here? Let me tell you, it not only can, it has. “The despot’s heel is on thy shore, Cecil, my Cecil. . .”
Even worse is that Robert “The Scumbag” Hodge has been named president of the council–a position that, by all rights, should have gone to my friend Diana. Diana is one of the most loving, warm-hearted people I have ever had the fortune to meet, and honestly. . .she’s just so [bleep]ing hot. She’s dedicated the past two years of her life to explaining the things that people don’t understand–and this is the way she’s been repaid?!? She should have at least been VP, but Tari picked her horse doctor crony to fill that spot. It’s all rigged.
I honestly don’t think people understand how bad it is. I took a break from playing WoW the other night and turned on Infowars and they revealed that of the 450 billion rounds of ammunition purchased by the Department of Homeland Security, a million of those were sent to CECIL COUNTY. Do you know what that means?? It means that Queen Tari is planning to shoot us all in the head–9.8 times EACH! And I don’t know about you, but the idea of a .8 bullet coming at me is frightening. Alex Jones was advising people to “lock and load”. Well, I’m tellin’ you, that scared the [moderated] out of me. I got right up from the computer and ran to lock up my Star Trek figurines and load my BB gun.
I speak only for myself, but I’ll be ready when Tari’s goon squads come for me. I just haven’t decided whether I’ll scream “Resistance is futile” or “It’s a Daisy!” before pumping them full of copper.
I’m sorry to cut this short, but I just had a shipment of sandbags dropped off and I need to get to work barricading my office. Let me leave you with the stirring poetry of my friend Carrie Tailor:
The despot’s heel is on thy shore,
Cecil, my cecil,
Her name is Tari Moore,
Cecil, my Cecil,
Give, oh give, a mighty roar,
Be unafraid of despot Moore,
And beat that battle-QUEEN of yore,
Cecil, my Cecil!
It’s been a few days since I’ve updated you folks on the political situation here in Cecil County, but rest assured that Diana and I have not been idle. Despite standing alone, we continue to take a hard line against the pro-business “good ol’ boy” policies of Queen Tari the First and her henchmen, Earl Robert and Lord Alan.
I’m not sure what more we can do beyond a legal challenge of some sort–we’re really nothing more than a Third World dictatorship at this point, but please know that Diana and I will continue to fight for you until the day they stand us up against the wall to be executed by firing squad. And when that day comes, I will still be standing behind Diana.
Some people don’t like that I’m calling Tari the Queen, but Big Mike said it was a good idea. Said it really helps drive home the point with imagery that people can understand. I’ve even heard that some of those [moderated] Patriots have started to call ME a queen–which kinda bothers me. I mean, what have they heard? There was that cute elf on WoW that turned out to be a guy, but. . .
We really got into it on Tuesday night over the county council appointment and Hodge and McCarthy tried to bully us into adjourning the meeting, with that fat [moderated] Caudell [moderated] yelling out their instructions from the floor of the Elk Room. B they can’t push me around–as I said, I could have sat there all night. After all, I had Bejeweled on my phone, and I’m only a few levels away from beating Mom’s score.
Then that stupid lawyer opened his fat mouth and gave Hodge permission to get up and walk out. Now as Diana so eloquently put it, a “quorum is a quorum”–and if you have a quorum at the beginning of the meeting, you certainly have one at the end. So I think Diana and I could have sat up there and selected Tari “Airhead” Moore’s replacement ourselves, but that good ol’ boy of a lawyer kept ranting something about “due procedure” and “charter”. I don’t know what he was talking about–I keep meaning to read the charter, but the new spell guide for Mists of Pandaria is much more interesting. It doesn’t look like the Rune of Power is a good choice for Fire anymore, which is kinda frustrating.
Anyway, Diana and I were still sitting there when they turned the lights out, defiant to the last. I thought about going back to my office and getting some soft music, but she started mumbling something about Brian Lockhart and I decided I had better be getting back to the house. It was getting late and Mom worries when I’m out too late. Which makes me think, I need to shut this down and go try to use the new Frostfire Bolts to get through this dungeon in Pandaria.
Have a merry Christmas, everyone!
I just can’t get over my outrage and disappointment. To think that we could be betrayed by a faux Republican in this way. . .as Diane Beretta said, the sooner Tari Moore is doing hard time down at MTC, the better off we’ll all be. I’ve worked for this Party for fifteen years(ever since passing out handbills for Gilchrest from my stroller), and I’ll be [moderated] if I let this power slip from our fingers now.
I was very pleased with the meeting Tuesday night. I think Diana and I were able to demonstrate to the citizens of Cecil County that we are the ones standing up for them against the special interests of medium-sized business. We were able to slap down every motion that Hodge or that veterinarian put forward. Didn’t matter what it was, we stopped any and all motions from motioning forward. I nearly caved on the Al Wein confirmation, but Diana leaned over until her breath tickled my ear(oooh!) and whispered, “Mike, there’s things you don’t understand about Wein. Follow my motion.” Well believe me, I do follow her motion–every time I see her come in.
Some people might question why I objected to Hodge’s attempt to put items on the agenda late, when Jim put the bike paths vote on the agenda at the last minute just last week. Well, first of all, it’s Hodge(DUH!!!!!!), not Jim–and now that Jim’s gone, I’d kinda just like to keep that power reserved to his memory. No one can ever replace him, and they shouldn’t try to take his mantle.
Anyway, the meeting went well and we accomplished a lot. The time just flew by, and when the motion came to adjourn, I nearly voted “no”, since that’s what I had been doing all night. Diana elbowed me, and I got myself straightened out just in time. She’s always doing little things like that for me–living proof that with some people, beauty isn’t skin-deep. In fact, Diana often tells me that we’ll be buddies for life. . .
Michael Done, Cecil County Councillor